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PORTAL

by Buddy Junior

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  • PORTAL on tape
    Cassette + Digital Album

    Home-dubbed on beautiful clear yellow cassettes. Includes lyrics in the j-card, and each tape is hand decorated by the band <3

    Includes unlimited streaming of PORTAL via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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1.
swell 01:13
2.
LAMENT 04:50
in the empty pit of my irate stomach, i breed myself, yeah. this spinning brainstem, this clay head, this tongue of nothing, it’s all imperfect— but i wanna know i’m good that i can be enough (for you)
3.
PORTAL 02:40
elsewhere my smut-corpse is incongruously shaped—i fit in. i have trouble eating, trouble sleeping, keep it secret. this mask fits snug as skin, no one can tell the difference. i have trouble breathing, trouble speaking, keep it secret. in the portal i have no name in the portal i have no face
4.
DECORATE 01:55
didn’t know my name, didn’t know my place i could take you there. melted away ice in my brain i could take you there. got an empty space come decorate i could take you there. didnt know my name didn’k know my place, i could take you there.
5.
guitar music 00:36
6.
FEEL GOOD 04:47
can you name the things that have been haunting you? can you place the pain inside your body? can you name the reasons you are running from me? can you stay? can it weigh on you? when i said, “i wanna be you”, what i meant is, i wanna feel you inside of me. i keep my spaces clean. you know what i mean (keep my spaces clean) when i said, “i wanna see you”, what i meant is, i wanna feel good. do you wanna feel good too? feel good when i’m with you. do you wanna feel good?
7.
SHAME 01:02
in the shadows of the space where i crawl home to i was alone, i closed myself off i feel nothing—no one knows me at all yeah this is the shame that i hold down
8.
NORMAL 04:25
had to reschedule—the neighbors blocked my car. i walked up to their door—i knocked but not too hard. while i was at my job, i swear i heard them talk— they think that i don’t know they laugh when i don’t look. ((pushed it inside myself)) ((ocean inside my cells)) ((voices inside my skull)) ((pushed it inside myself)) ((normal)) ((normal)) on the couch asking, “am i normal?” ((normal)) ((normal)) i repeated the word in my head
9.
CAVE 06:41
i will not challenge myself today i will not go outside i will not brush my teeth everything i say is filthy i will not go outside today my head still hurts from last night there is nothing i can do about it now but sit and wait inside my cave i broke off my fingers inside my cave i ripped off tiny pieces of flesh and ate it inside my cave i broke off my fingers inside my cave i ripped off tiny pieces of flesh i will not challenge myself today i will not go outside i will not fall asleep at a decent hour i know it i will not try and my head still hurts
10.
DOOR 03:30
have i mentioned my brain pieces together things it shouldn’t have i mentioned i’m the worst have i mentioned my head hurts have i mentioned i can’t write a verse have i mentioned i can’t feel love anymore have i mentioned i am cold to the world have i mentioned how the tedium of my everyday life made me crazy have i mentioned i don’t know how to make sense of the world anymore have i mentioned i lost track of the time and was late every day have i mentioned i don’t know how to dress in the morning have i mentioned there’s not ever enough cups of coffee have i mentioned my body is lethargic and doesn’t know how to process itself have mentioned i just want to feel pretty have i mentioned i hate everything have i mentioned how when i look in the mirror i see the devil he says i hate you listen get your shit together fuck everyone bang your head against the wall hit yourself hit yourself hate yourself you’ll never be anything you’ll be get anywhere look at me you’ll never accomplish what you want to you lost god you lost your home you lost your friends pay attention no body loves you nobody will ever love you nobody will love you like i do
11.

about

The songs that appear here on Portal were selected because they all reference spaces in which one moves through, either literally, or more often, as allusions to imagined portals into the spaces of the body that feel hollow, yet at the same time, are filled with a complicated spectrum of emotions. I would not call this a conceptual record, because the songs here were not written with any concept in mind. I would say however, that at a very specific time of my life, I became obsessed with this idea of portals, going so far as to paint one in my room. I told people that I stared into it, and found a place to exist where I was centered and calm. But really, I didn’t feel much of anything, and would bang my head into the wall when no one was looking. The songs here are very much so a reflection of that time.

Tapes by Cherub Dream Records :)

mixed and mastered by Grace Coleman
written and recorded by JB Lenar
many thanks and contributions from Harvey

credits

released September 4, 2020

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Buddy Junior San Francisco, California

my head hurts

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